16. Jun, 2020

Come Out of the Shadows - overheard on the phone

Relationship with partner is like the carpet, it needs fixing. I am determined.

I can't talk on the phone. I hate. Feel hate.  Stuck. I am hated.

My feet hurt. I crave a bath, but with only a shower cubicle my only chance of this is at my parents’ house. Is it worth using £16.32's worth of diesel and making many lies? I can't go the distance. I am weary. 

Alcohol fuelled energy heightens fear. I walk away. I walk and I talk and I weep. I am courageous.

Fear lauding over a new life. I walk back. Fear can choke the last breath out of you. I am breathing - just. 

I want to look for the light, but repeatedly find the darkness. I am blinded.

Work is busy, consuming sometimes. It's a sanctuary. I am thriving. 

The internet going down is like being at the mercy of a champion wrestler. I am exhausted. 

Lack of control, drives the nightmares, but also the action. I am awakening. 

Walk on hot coals with my head held high or lie down and die with the embers? I am bold. 

Once loving arms gripping tightly. Denial will transport us back to the cellar. I am leaving. 

I question and fear everything. I am breaking.

My child, on the brink of coming of age, questions and fears everything. I am trying.

Lack of control drives the nightmare. I am scared.

Come with me, I can provide a better place for us. Together like rabbits stuck in headlights, she goes one way and I go the other.  I am a leader.

Come into my light and out of your shadows, I whisper comfort to my child who is quivering. I am safety.  

The second stage of man kicks back as I  beckon my firstborn to follow. I mustn't turn around to look, but believe I have nurtured her to trust me. I am loyal.  

Patience please, she cries, patience please, I whisper. I crawl out of the shadows. We are homeless, but not hopeless. 

I own this pain.  Trouble comes to pass, but not to stay. I am loved. 

I find the light and with courage embrace it. 

I dial. Feel loved. I see. I move. I am moved. I am loved.

I find a place where my feet still hurt, but I can take a bath. 

We are loved. Trouble comes to pass, but not to stay.